Canadians would love to tell you that John Cabot explored and claimed the Canadian Atlantic coast for King Henry VII in 1497. It reads well, for sure, you can pronounce all of the names without blushing. What I am about to tell you, though, is it is pure bullshit. Ever since Justin Trudeau was elected Prime Minister and Playgirl Playmate of the century, though, previously unknown and secret artifacts have started to be released, thus upending and re-writing the history of our northern neighbors. I have waited an entire lifetime for this day right here, and have come across a pretty sure totally legitimate picture that was taken right around 1000 AD that proves my theory that I have been working on for 40 years.
You see, I have always felt in my gut that North America was founded by Olaf Tryggvason’s lessor known father Hagar Ikeason. There were many things that made the Vikings the intrepid explorers they were, but none were as important as being able to settle an area in minutes, instead of taking weeks or months to cut down trees and do archetectur-y things. The Vikings were the original inventors of the Couch, Loveseat & Ottoman Tent Camp you see. It has been lost on history, and not much mention is made of it, but… The ability to roll into new territory, unload the couch, loveseat and ottoman off the dragon bowed fighting vessel, place it strategically in a small clearing, and simply throw your parents king sized sheets over them gave the Vikings a strategic advantage over, say Italian explorers, who would spend months sourcing just the right tomatoes for dear old mom’s recipe’s, or even the fierce Alabama’n explorers, who would spend forever trying to figure out just the right camouflage pattern to look cool in wherever they went, never mind that 10 months out of the year in Canada all you had to do was wear tighty whities and a t-shirt to blend in to the neck deep snow. (That is why we never here about great international explorers from Alabama by the way.)
So, to celebrate the for reals settling of North America, I bring to you the 1011th Celebratory IKEA Ektorp Couch, Loveseat and Ottoman “Exploration” Living room tent camp set, in Eric the Blue hue. This set is amazing in that even if you don’t believe Eric the Blue ever existed, and being the snobby-ass Viking historian you are, wanted it in Eric The Red instead, well, you can do that because all of the covers are replicable with a variety of colors and patterns easily found at IKEA.
When we purchased this set in 2011, it was pretty close to $1,000 bucks. The total bill, of course, was well over $3,000 dollars, and anyone who has ever set foot in an Ikea Store understands that. Today, though, to celebrate my life’s work being proven, I am willing to part with the entire set for $300.00. But, if you “like” this post, it will be $275.00, or if you “share” it, I will knock it down to $260.00. If, on the other hand, you comment with “OH F6%#^&^ YEAH!, I know you were right all along Trä, CONGRATS ON YOUR VINDICATION YOU SEXY BEAST YOU!” I will knock it down to $250.00