Face it, who wants to go out and hunt Pokemon all day in the Hot Florida summer only to come home and have to cook a big meal for everyone? Listen, I know it’s not your fault, ever since that day when you noticed your daughter was awake before noon and was actually going on a, what did she call it…yea…a WALK, you wondered what in the world held the power of usurping your 20 years of mostly par or slightly above parenting. And when she told you about Pokemon Go but made you promise not to be “THAT” parent yet again..sheesh, I thought a Justin Bieber themed birthday party was what every 20 year old girl wanted…I digress.
So that started your long spiral down into a straight Carb Diet of potato chips Snickers Bars. That moment, when in the privacy of your own bathroom, away from the prying eyes of your lovely wife, 2 kids, 2 step-kids, a dog-in-name-only, a cat, hedgehog, guinea pig, and some fish, you turned the volume down on your smart phone and did it. You downloaded Pokemon-Go and ever since you captured Magikarp right there in the shower your sole mission in life has become capturing the elusive Mwewto, thus setting the stage for you to become the only level 8 master Pokemon Trainer in your now fast-shrinking circle of friends and family members.
Innocently enough, you started taking longer lunch breaks at work, and ever since the life-sized cardboard cut-out of you fell over in your cubicle, a few people are actually starting to notice you aren’t really there. But, being the enterprising person you are, you crafted a very cunning craigslist ad and were the first in Tampa Bay to hire your services out as a Professional Pokemon Trainer. It did take a few weeks to get your first clients, and you will forever be grateful to Girl Scout Troop 334, but after Comic-Con you have been non-stop. Hats off to you.
But now there is a real problem. While you may be able to somehow continue to survive on potato chips and snickers bars, your kids may still need some of the other food groups to continue to grow and at least show up on the Thriving Scale that pesky Pediatrician goes on and on about. What in the world do you do?
Well then, I have the answer for you in The I Am Too Busy Doing Other Things To Make Dinner Tonight Meal Planning Machine. Seriously, all it takes is a few hours on Sunday to throw some ingredients in to quart sized ziplock bags, toss them in the freezer after you grabbed a sharpie explaining what day you want to eat the contents on and voila! Now, when your alarm goes off at 6 am, you simply add one step to your morning routine in that you find the bag marked for that day, toss it in to the Machine, and hit Slow-Cook for the next 8 hours and you are off in your nifty new banana yellow pith helmet with googly eyes glued on to it.
Normally, such life-changing coaching and appliances would set you back thousands of dollars in both fees and eventual cult de-programming, but you, you Master Pokemon Trainer you, can drive up to Tarpon Springs today and pick it up for $10 bucks. I am making a donation to the Karma bank in the hopes that your children eating a healthy meal or 2 will win me favor with the universe. Hell, I will even through in some hand-written healthy recipes for you if you want.
Why, oh why would someone part with this magical machine? Well 1, my pokemon-go career lasted all of about 15 seconds, and 2, my lovely wife scored an Instant Pot on Amazon Prime day. (You have to seriously level your shit up to master that one, my friend). And 3, we are selling about 95% of our worldly possessions and embarking on a worldschooling adventure with the 12 year old in which nothing could possibly go wrong.
As a bonus, next time your kids bitch about how you are failing as a parent, point them toward one of these posts and explain to them that at least they aren’t that kid that has to put up with Trä all the time, in foreign countries, not knowing a lick of the local language…
OK, gotta go brush up on some Spanish. Come get the Crock Pot, it is in excellent shape, and my kids already own a bunch.